wax on, wax off

I have really been in a funk this week.

I have an article due for the paper. I can get away with a 300 word summary of the meeting I attended. 300 words! That's nothing! Why am I such a slackass? Instead of writing that in, oh, half an hour the other night, I browsed the website of someone I've only met once and who is obviously a brilliant overachiever. She sacrifices sleep for her many activities at which she is doubtless superior.

Sigh. When I was a junior in college, I took on basically every activity I was possibly qualified for, assuming officer roles in three clubs and an editor-in-chief position for the student magazine. I stage-managed a show, tutored in the writing center, and signed up for the maximum amount of course credits allowed (though I did drop 18th century lit). I was so busy I only saw my long-distance boyfriend about once a month and barely had time to eat and drink and shower and sleep. (On a side note, during second semester I gave up washing my hair for a few days. It was a combination of laziness and curiosity.) When I went home for winter break in December, I experienced an overwhelming sense of peace when I looked out at all the farmland surrounding my neighborhood, which up until that point, I detested. It was the flat open space that soothed my busy brain. I had a month to relax before all the activities started again.

Second semester I pretty much burned right out. Several months later during my senior year, I got into a groove that felt pretty good; I wasn't so absurdly busy that I forgot to phone home to reassure my mom that I was alive. (She would leave worried messages when she didn't hear from me after 10 days.) I think I struck a good balance between being busy and having time to enjoy simple existence.

Since graduating three years ago, though, I haven't been able to rediscover that balance. Right now I'm working my 40 hour workweek, coming home exhausted, and zombie-ing out in front of an hour and a half of Simpsons. (Save for the evenings I spend with Tristan, which involve little productivity but at least include the boy I like.) I wish I had the energy to come home and... do stuff. Sort through my photos, design a webpage, write a story, read something enriching.

I miss theatre when I'm not doing it, too. But when I am involved, I'm tired and crabby. My relationship with theatre should really be a separate blog entry.

So. I recently said that I gave up New Years resolutions years ago. I think, however, that I would like to resolve to feel more productive in my creativity this year. And I want to do at least one thing every month that educates me. (I'm starting small, okay? Laziness is hard to overcome.)

In non sequitur closing, Glamour magazine says messy updos are in, and I can't even pull that off. My hair is *made* of mess, and I can't pull it into a messy updo! wtf? Sure, I know I'm not a model and I don't have professionals making my messy updo look perfectly carelessly askew (though wouldn't that be nice? I could really go for someone else picking out designer clothes for me to wear and doing my makeup for me.), but shouldn't I be able to put my hair into a satisfying, non-crappy-looking ponytail?

Peace out.

2005 Wrap-Up

A week into 2006, I finally get around to posting this:

1. What did you do in 2005 that you had never done before?
Went to New Orleans. Had a significant role in a show at a semi-professional theatre. Had a significant role in the office of said semi-professional theatre. Bought an average car from a smarmy, overpriced dealership-- unfortunate decision on my part.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I stopped making resolutions years ago.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Mike Duck's wife Stacey. First of the direct college friends to become parents.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Well, my family cat Yang, who had been with us for 14 years. That was sad. No humans, though, thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?
None but the U.S. I did get out of Lancaster a few times, though, to Chicago and New Orleans by plane and various MD, DC, PA, & NJ trips by automobile.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Ah, this one is easy: my own apartment. I fear it may not happen, though, since I can't afford it yet. But in ten months once I climb out of my hole of debt and manage to save a couple thousand bucks, who knows?

7. What dates will remain etched in your memory and why?
August 15, because that's my birthday.

8. What's your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to be comfortable with where I am, I guess. Even though that only happened in the last few months of 2005. Oh, and getting a real job with benefits.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Perhaps not enjoying the aforementioned significant role in a semi-professional theatrical production. It should have been so much fun, but instead it stressed me out and I was just counting the days until it was over.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really, besides a monstrous sinus infection in June, for which I took antibiotics that made me vomit. But that's not really even worth mentioning, so forget it.

11.What was the best thing you bought? Oh, I would love to say my car. It was certainly the most expensive thing I bought. But honestly, the $20 pair of jeans I got at Target have been invaluable.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Um. Hm. Is is terrible that I can't think of anyone? How about everyone I love, for continuing to be so lovable?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
I was very disappointed in my sister-in-law for a while.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills bills bills debt debt debt. I ran up a hefty credit card bill my first year out of college, and I've been working on paying it off for two years. Granted, I spent the better part of 2005 working for $7 an hour, so making a significant dent in the debt has been slow going.

15. What did you get really, really excited about?
Hm. Chicago with Tristan. Proofreading at work. (No, really.) I would love to say the trip to New Orleans, but I was exhausted and working a lot and also sick, so the anticipation was a little muted.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
Panthers by Wilco. Also, pretty much anything by Beck.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Probably about the same, really. I'm more content now, but at this time last year I was getting excited about a new relationship that was full of potential, so I was pretty happy.
b) Fatter or thinner? A few pounds thinner, I guess. I lost some weight when I was stressed out last spring and it never really came back.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer. I was making $7 an hour, remember? God help me if I weren't a little richer now.

18. What do you wish you had done more of ?
Writing. Always writing, but I find it so difficult to actually do. Traveling, too. I'm afraid of falling into a working rut and never fulfilling my wanderlust.

19. What do you wish you had done less of?
Freaking out about the oh-so-nebulous future.

20. How did you spend New Year's Eve?
I went to a wedding at a swanky hotel in Philly. It was smashing.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
I sure did. Tee hee. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The OC was the only prime time show I watched, but it certainly wasn't my favorite. I have to go with Friends reruns, because I continued to feed my collection of season DVDs and I was never disappointed.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I can't say I hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince has to be my choice, because it's the only one I can think of off the top of my head. I wish I'd done more reading, too.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Beck, I think. I was obsessed with his music last spring.

26. What did you want and get?
An iPod. I'd been talking about it for a good six months and finally got one in July. Super-cheap, too, thanks to Tristan's computer purchase.

27. What did you want and not get?
A bright blue VW New Beetle. Screw Consumer Reports and epinions.com. Who cares if the car is historically unreliable? That's the car I wanted, and I should have gotten the damn thing instead of my practical Toyota.

28. What was your favorite film this year?
It's not a 2005 film, but I finally saw The Godfather in its entirety, and I thought it was awesome.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I went to the pool with my mom and niece and nephew, then went to Target and bought myself some stuff, then went out for sushi with my boyfriend. It was a very lovely day for turning 24.

30. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Getting a full-time job with benefits sooner than I did. I feel like I'm far behind in the getting ahead game, and I wish I'd been making more money sooner in the year. Working at the theatre was an interesting experience and a great resume-builder, but I would love to have paid off my debt sooner.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion in 2005?
Easy going with layers. I love jeans, tank tops, and flip flops. I love to dress up, too, but I always look better in my mind than I do in real-life. Now I just stick with what works.

32. What kept you sane?
My boyfriend, whose presence automatically makes me feel calmer inside, and anyone who would listen to me freak out about the future (friends, my Mom). I wish I could say writing, because that's always been such a wonderful outlet for me, but there were times when writing in my journal just felt like too much effort.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Pssh. Not a one.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Pass. Sorry.

35. Who did you miss?
My best friend from college, who was several states away for most of the year and who I was used to seeing or talking to at least every other week.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Well, a couple of weeks ago at a Christmas soiree for Tristan's work, we sat with a woman named Hazel Jackson, who was the first black woman to teach at a local high school and at a local university. Hearing a first-hand recollection of the days of segregation from a determined, good-natured old woman was a better history lesson than I ever endured in school.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
I learned to let go of the past, basically. I was carrying around some hurt and disappointment in 2004 that was doing me a lot of bad and very little good, and I discovered as time progressed that the crappiness of 2004 had made me aware of all the wonderful things still waiting. I also stopped longing for college and realized that those days are over, but it doesn't mean life has to suck.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Oh come on. I can't even sum up a year in my own words, let alone someone else's verse.