The Merry Bells Keep Ringing

Yesterday afternoon I took in what I expected to be a peaceful, solitary lunch at the campus café. I thought the Jays Nest, as the café is called, was harmless.

I was wrong.

I bought a sandwich, an apple, and a bottle of green tea and found a seat in a sun-soaked booth. I was looking forward to reading the latest book I’m obsessed with, and I managed to tune out the Christmas music pumping through the overhead sound system. Oh, occasionally I would hear Bing Crosby crooning Happy Holidays, or Jessica Simpson breathily beckoning Santa Claus, but for the most part, I ignored the music.

Until the donkey song.

Oh my God, the donkey song. The god-awful Christmas Donkey song. I’d never heard it before, and if I had, I’m sure my head would have exploded long ago. It goes something like “Doodle dee do, EEEE aw EEEE aw blah blah blah Christmas Donkey!”

What were the music execs thinking when they put this one on the air? When they actually set aside studio time for a demented singer to come in and make goddamn DONKEY NOISES???

I actually plugged my ears and shook with distress while this song played and I tried to read. I almost freaked out, people.

This morning, I went to get some coffee in the Blue Bean (where, incidentally, even putting a frigging shot of espresso in your daily cup doesn’t make the coffee taste any stronger than dishwater), and the song was playing again. I said, out loud, “Oh no!” and I fluttered my hands about my head. Fortunately, the song was only one violent chorus of EEE aw from the end. Unfortunately, that little bit was enough for the song to firmly take root in my head, where it is still playing. Over and over again.

Ah, I just looked it up on Google. Apparently I’m mistaken about the lyrics. They are “Chingedy ching, EEEE aw EEEE aw, the Italian Christmas donkey.” Somewhere in Italy, someone is really enjoying this song.

I want to kill myself.