You have got to be kidding me

So for almost two weeks now, Lydia and I have had the crappiest high-speed internet connection ever.

We got our DSL kit about three weeks ago, we set it up, and happily browsed the internet for about three days before it started getting really slow and, eventually, spotty and unreliable.

So I called tech support about the problem a week and a half ago when I got kicked off the internet and then discovered that we had no dial tone on our landline. Our provider fixed the landline issue quickly, but we still couldn't stay on the internet for more than 15 minutes at a time.

So I called last Sunday. I was on the phone with Ronald and then, when we got cut off, with George for an hour. They both had me run through the common troubleshooting issues, and I cheerfully complied, thinking that even if the troubleshooting tips don't work, surely Ronald or George will be able to fix the problem, or dispatch someone who can. Ultimately, George gave me a ticket number and told me to call back if our internet wasn't working within 72 hours.

Five days later, the modem was still tormenting me with its "Screw you! I'm not working! HAHAHA!" blinking DSL light.

I called tech support again today, and this time I wasn't so cheerful. I brewed up a thoroughly shrewish mood while I waited for someone to take my call in the order in which it was received. Finally, tech-rep Jordon got the brunt of my "I'm ready to cancel this whole thing and I don't want to go through all the troubleshooting tips again because THEY DON'T WORK" spiel. So good ol' Jordon asked me where the modem was physically located. I said on the carpeted floor. Jordon suggested I move the modem to a table or another flat surface off the floor. So. I put it on the radiator, the closest flat surface. The DSL light immediately stopped blinking. The internet light immediately gave me a green-for-go signal.

I was stunned. And grateful. And feeling sheepish for being so bitchy to poor little Jordan. And more than a little frustrated that neither Ronald nor George asked where the modem was and suggested relocating it. Why, Ronald and George? I could have been using the internet this whole goddamn week, but instead I was just nurturing a seething hatred for your company.

I'm going to buy a small table on which to tenderly place our picky little modem. I imagine that once winter's cold forces us to turn on the heat, that radiator will not be the safest place for our internet lifeline.

In the meantime, I hope anyone who's not technically-savvy can learn from my inconvenience: a modem nestled on the floor may not be getting its DSL signal. There you have it.