Today

This is not a job. This is no way to spend a day in the 9 - 5 workweek. I have done maybe 50 minutes of productive work today. Literally. And that’s just sad, and it makes me feel completely lazy and listless. When will I find something that helps me override the inertia of doing nothing?

I need a job that requires more of me, I think. And that job must require me to be active, to get up and away from the computer and to move. And I want to care about what I’m doing, really care, really work toward a goal. That’s one of things that’s so wonderful about theatre. No matter what, you have a common goal with whoever is involved. You’re all working together – cast, crew, company staff – to create a show from a script. And it’s awesome. We’re at the stage of rehearsals now for Merchant of Venice where the speed is picking up, where actors are letting the show take them where it will, where everything gels and the image of the play shifts in your mind as you understand the shape it’s going to take. I love that part. Whenever I feel tired of theatre, whenever I’d rather stay home and read a book than go to rehearsal, I’m forgetting about how much I love it when a show takes shape.

What I wish right now – wish so much that I can practically feel it straining under my skin – is that I were in a role I found challenging. I wish I were one of the actors who could let the show take me where it will. But my moments on stage are fleeting: I come on and announce something that furthers the plot, and then I leave. I am aching to be challenged by a role again, to think about a character and mull her motivations, circumstances, and intentions.

I feel almost desperate about it, and I hate feeling desperate. I don’t want to be that person. I want to enjoy what I have, go after what I want, and accept what I get.

But want and reality are different things.